A Study in Biblical Relationships
Goal:
To introduce the multi-lesson series on relationships.
Introduction:
How
many of you played the Board Game Candy land when you were small. You may evev
have it today .. Discuss what the game was like and how it was played. Perhaps
bring a game to class and hold up the playing board.
Now
what does the game Candy Land have to do with relationships. Well, a lot of
couples today live in tired marriages or other relationships that could be characterized
by the term DutyLand. DutyLand is an environment wheresomeone maintains their
marriage or other relationship solely out of a sense of obedience to God or
duty to each other. Now while obeying God and having a sense of duty are good
things, DutyLand is a relationship characterized “soley” by these motives. In
DutyLand the relationship no longer
functions from love but soley out of a sense of duty. DutyLand can refer to a stagnant or dull relationship with God, a
tired marriage, a difficult family relationship or even a strained business
partnership or church oriented relationship. All of these relationships can
become Duty bound despite starting out with joy and excitement.
Did these relationships start this way? No they didn’t . Rather they
started out living in place I call CandyLand. It was a great place full of warm
fuzzy feelings and lots of love. But over time as they journeyed through life
somehow the relationship left Candyland and the players slid, fell, jumped,
crept, and even oooozed down the street, over the hill, out of town and right
into a place they never wanted to be. DutyLand.!
No one who lives there actually wants to
live there and those who do usually make dreadful partners. And everyone who
lives in DutyLand will probably tell
you that they no longer know how to get back to Candyland for the road to Duty
Land only seems to run one way.
For many people living in Duty Land is
tolerable at least until mid life hits. It seems this town is bearable as long as there are other
things to focus on like kids to raise, careers to conquer or homes to build,
missions to achieve. Yet as time goes by, 40 comes an goes, the kids start
being independent, your career levels out, or your church goes into decline it
is not uncommon for one decide they simply can't do it any longer. The once
committed suddenly finds DutyLand a hopeless place. And when they do, in what seems like an instant,
they escape DutyLand. Yes they escape, but sadly so they often do so by
completely breaking their relationships. Marraiges move into AffairLand and/or
DivorceLand , good friends move into SilentLand and Christian brothers and sisters move into TraditionLand.
Is
there another way to escape DutyLand? Is there a way to return to CandyLand? Or
is there another town where one can escape DutyLand without living in
DivorceLand. This question is at the heart of why this series was written.
The premise of the following material is
that such a place does exist. I call it DevotionLand What is this town like you might ask, whats different about it
as compared to CandyLand or DutyLand ? Well,
DevotionLand is a place where life’s pressures still exist but in
Devotionland there is something special
that makes relationships work much better than duty and that something is
devotion. Devotion is the term I think best describes a relationship not of
warm fuzzy’s but of love based on a deeper connection. A connection that allows the growth of love
in a relationship despite the presence of pressures. A place not of warm fuzzys
with no depth, nor a place where separate lives and loneliness are common. But
rather a place where hearts can grow in friendship, intimacy and union. Interested ? If you are come and lets take a look at DevotionLand.
Survey:
Now
in order to best understand where the relationships or marriages in your class
are at pass out the attached survey.
Have each person fill it out and return it anonomously. It is only 2 pages and will help you tailor the next few weeks to suit the people
you are working with. The survey is martial oriented but can be customized for
other relationships. For singles have them select a significant relationship in
their life and use it to answer the questions as best they can.
10 Characteristics of Couples Living in
DevotionLand.
Now before we begin, let me give you a preview of the characteristics of
relationships already living in Devotionland.
1.
They
demonstrate a commitment to each other & the relationships success.
2.
They
demonstrate a commitment to a grace relationship
3.
They
demonstrate a positive communication pattern displaying respect, dignity and
courtesy and apparent readiness to build up the other verbally
4.
They
enjoy an intimate relationship protecting each others weaknesses and meeting
each others needs.
5.
They
demonstrate an understanding of their positions relative to God and their God
given roles.
6.
They
demonstrate a commitment to growth of the other
7.
They
demonstrate an interest in enjoying mutual activities
8.
They
demonstrate a desire to work towards spiritual unity
9.
They
demonstrate effective problem solving methods
10.
They
like each other .. they have become good friends!
If you are living in DutyLand you will have to change something significant to leave it. Eveyone in DutyLand knows this even those who look to DivorceLand for answers. And this change will require re-allocation of time. Time you currently spend on other things. Further this time shift will cost you ! It may cost money or comfort, or advancement and others including children, friends or broader family may not like it. But you must be willing to commit to the re-allocation of time for the journey. Time for your partner! For you this may be a spouse, it may be God or it may be another but in any case, time must be allocated to the other if a relationship is to grow.
Ask: So do you want to go to DevotionLand.? If so, you will be getting assignments and here are the first two.
1.
Spend
at least 30 minutes per day (while you are awake) just talking with your
partner. If you don’t have anything to talk about, take 15 minutes each to
share your day with the other. Include what you did, what happened, etc.
Perhaps the biggest miss conception about discussions is that they always need
to be about deeply meaningful things.
They don’t !.
2.
Track
in a small booklet the time you spend with your spouse. On each line list the
date, the time and what you did. When this series is over you will do something
with this log.
* * *
Survey On
Relationships (Marital)
Male ______
Female
_______
|
In our marriage I think we
could use more .. |
A Lot more is Needed |
Some what Needed |
We have enough |
|
1.
Grace |
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2.
Commitment |
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3.
Acceptance |
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4.
Friendship |
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5.
Adjustments to our family roles |
|
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6.
Meeting of Needs |
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7.
Conflict Resolution |
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8.
Physical Intimacy |
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9.
Emotional Intimacy |
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10.
Security |
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11.
Goal Setting |
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12.
Guidance in Child Raising |
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13.
Communication Skills |
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14.
Recreation with each other |
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15.
Spiritual Unity / Intimacy |
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16.
Appreciation |
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17.
Affection |
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18.
Expression of Approval |
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19.
Attention |
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20.
Giving of Comfort |
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21.
Encouragement |
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22.
Respect |
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23.
Helping each other |
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24.
Time together |
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25.
Problem Solving Skills |
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Other:
26.
________________________________________________________________ 27.
________________________________________________________________ 28.
_________________________________________________________________ |
|||
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How is my spouse doing |
A Lot |
A little |
Not at all |
|
26.
My spouse makes time to talk with me |
|
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27.
I like the way goals are set in our family |
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28.
My input is considered in family decisions |
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29.
My spouse practice's honest confession |
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30.
My spouse forgives completely |
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31.
My spouse is interested and supportive of my personal growth |
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32.
My spouse is good at
listening |
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33.
My spouse lets me inside (discloses self) |
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34.
My spouse is sensitive to my feelings |
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35.
My spouse wants to pray with me |
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36.
My spouse gives me undivided attention |
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37.
My spouse demonstrates leadership in the family |
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38.
My spouse demonstrates servanthood |
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39.
My spouse makes me feel secure |
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40.
My spouse's relationship with God is growing |
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41.
My spouse demonstrates
submission |
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42.
My spouse demonstrates commitment
to me |
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43.
My spouse is judgmental |
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44.
My spouse is easily angered |
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45.
My spouse is highly opinionated |
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46.
My spouse is loyal |
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47.
My spouse tries to get even |
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48.
My spouse keeps their word |
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49.
My spouse stereotypes people |
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50.
My spouse keeps confidences |
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How are we aligned ? |
A Lot |
A little |
Not at all |
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51.
We are aligned on what we value |
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52.
We are aligned on our Christian convictions |
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53.
We are aligned on our expectations for each other |
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How I am feeling ? |
A Lot |
A little |
Not at all |
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54.
I sleep well at night |
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55.
I am often joyful and affectionate |
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56.
I am prone to escaping into work, TV, food, fantasies, etc |
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57.
I have trouble concentrating |
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58.
I am impatient or quick tempered with my spouse |
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59.
I am feeling lonely |
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60.
I feel loved |
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61.
I feel valued |
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62.
I feel respected and admired |
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