A Mini Seminar on Respectful Language Step 1
Goal:
To help
us realize that our attitudes towards one another strongly influence our
communication patterns, the messages we send each other and the outcomes of our
interactions.
Scripture
Basis:
Eph 4:11-15, Eph 4:29, 2 Sam 6,
Reference
Materials: (as Appendices)
·
Grace
and truth Skit
·
Formula
for Positive Communication
·
Attitudes
transparency
Introduction:
In
the Lesson the Goal of Love, we learned that the Goal of love is Union. For when union occurs at any level the result is personal fulfillment,
joy, and happiness.
Skit:
Have 2 people setting across from each other at a small table similar to that
in a restaurant. Have them staring past each other and apparently have nothing
to say to each other. Have them move there glance around but never land their
gaze on the other and never speak a word. Do for 1 -2 minutes.
Have
you ever seen this going on in a restaurant. What is going on here? Is this the
way you want to end up.? Or may be you already have.
Today
we are going to Positive Communication
Patterns. In this lesson we will address the aspect of Attitude in
Communication and in the next we will look at Communication Skills. Both of
these combine to form the following communication formula.
Attitude +
Skills = Positive Communication
ΰ Put Appendix B on an
overhead for all to see .. Discuss
Biblical
Communication Revealed
What
does the Bible say about communication. Some say very little but that is not
the truth. Lets look.
Key Concept 1: The Source
of Communication is the Heart
.. Matt 12:34,35, Matt 15:18, Prov 15:28, Prov
16:23
The
first thing we need to see is that the source of communication is not the
mouth. The mouth is but the mechanism. The source is the heart. From the
attitudes of the heart comes the words of the mouth and it's tones.
Communications
specialists tell us that non-verbals like gestures, posture and emotions
account for 55% of all that is communicated
in a conversation . The tone of the voice accounts for another 38% and the
words themselves for only 7%. They also tell us that when the non-verbals do
not match the verbals, it is the non varbals that are believed. As you can see,
the heart is where communication is truly shaped!
Key Concept 2: The proper motives for
communication is not to win but to build the other up or edify them. (see Eph
4:29).
Why
do you open your mouth. Is it to ask a question so you can learn ? Is it to
advocate your position, to express
yourself? Could it be to manipulate someone or
too win an argument. Is it ever to build them up? Eph 4:29 says
.
Do not let any
unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building
others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Eph
4:29 (NIV).
So
having identified the where communication comes from and why it should exist at
all, lets see what attitudes are identified as desirable. Put Appendix B on
the overhead. Have the group read the verses provided and touch on each
lightly.
Attitudes
underlying Negative Communication :
·
Arrogance
and Pride
Psa 94:4 1 Cor 4:17 2 Peter 2:10, 1 Cor 3:18
·
Desire
to be heard .. Assuming you know better
. Prov 18:2
·
Desire
to be humorous or sarcastic
... Prov 26:18, 2 Sam 6:20
·
A
Quarreling spirit
.2 Tim 2:23,24
Prov 17: 14
·
Attitudes
Motivated by Emotion when Reason is needed
.Prov 29:9
·
A
Nagging spirit
. Prov 27:15
·
Bitterness
Heb 12:15, Eph 4:31-32
·
Revenge
..1 Peter 2:21-27
·
Deceitfulness
2
Tim 3:13
·
Complaining
/ Gossip
Phil 2:14-15, 1
Tim 5:13
What
can Negative Attitudes Accomplish:
·
Causes
division
. Gen 13:7 Lot and Abraham
separate due to quarrelling
·
Prevents
unity and intimacy in marital relationships .. 2 Sam 6 : King David distances
himself from Michal due to her sarcasm.
Key Message:
Ψ
Negative
attitudes damage respect and this undermines love. And when love fails many
will grow distant.
Key
Attitudes for good communication :
·
Balance
of Grace and Truth
John 1:14 , Col
4:6, Prov 12:22 <do skit B>
·
An
attitude of Humility
.... Phil 2:3-8
, Book of Ruth <see appendix
E>
·
Respectfulness
. 1 Peter 2:17, 1 Peter 3: 7
·
Patience
and a quiet spirit
.
Prov 25:15
·
Valuing
the other person
.. The Book of Ruth
·
They
Heal
Read the story of David Nabal
& Abigail from 1 Sam 25:2 .. Discuss, how would you characterize each of
these main charaters ?
1.
Nabal
was mean and surly .. No heart for People
2.
David
had a heart after God and he starts well in vs 6 Gracious & Respectful but
after Nabal responds badly in v10 David
Reacts rashly and defensively in v13
and 21,22
3.
Abigail
listens to wise council v14-16, reacts intelligently with positive action
v18,19 takes a defenseless humble position with David v24-31and defuses David's
anger v32-34.
·
They
Remove anxiety
.. Prov 12:25
·
They
Communicate grace
Eph 4:32
Key Message:
Ψ
Positive
Attitudes build respect and that allows love to grow creating closer, better
and more intimate relationships
Summary:
Having
a positive attitude is basic to communicating the way God intended us to. But
how do we overcome the negative patterns. They seem to be bred into us. They
are demonstrated in front of us in almost every TV sitcom and they are present
in all the people around us. But there is a way to change and it begins with
the question.
Ψ
Do
you value others ? if not why?
Read
Eph 4:11-15
Do
you realize that ;
§
People
are different for a reason. For in a fallen world, if all were the same, a
single weapon would destroy all. Strength against Satan is found in union with
others.
§
Your
spouse (and others) have sensitivities and a connection to the Holy Spirit you
do not have. That the others complete you!
§
A
lot of Intimacy comes from being of value to the other. When you submit or tie
in to the strength of another, you gain what you do not have.
§
Your
purpose on earth is dynamically linked to others and your ability to be united
with them.
§
Speaking
truth with a loving attitude is key to reaching maturity in Christ.
Do
you need to change your attitude toward someone? Is it hard because you fear
what will become of you if you let go of defensiveness? Jesus just before he
humbled himself to wash the disciple feet , said this ..
Jesus knew
that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from
God and was returning to God; so he got up from the meal, took off his outer
clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. John 13:3-4 (NIV)
Place
you confidence in you position in Christ and ask the Lord to help. It works!
* * *
Appendix A: Attitudes of Love
The Formula for Positive Communication
Attitude + Skills = Positive
Communication
Appendix
B: Attitudes Study
Attitudes underlying
Negative Communication
·
Arrogance
and Pride
Psa 94:4 1 Cor 4:17 2 Peter 2:10, 1 Cor 3:18
·
Desire
to be heard .. Assuming you know better
. Prov 18:2
·
Desire
to be humorous or sarcastic
... Prov 26:18, 2 Sam 6:20
·
A
Quarreling spirit
.2 Tim 2:23,24
Prov 17: 14
·
Attitudes
Motivated by Emotion when Reason is needed
.Prov 29:9
·
A
Nagging spirit
. Prov 27:15
·
Bitterness
Heb 12:15, Eph 4:31-32
·
Revenge
..1 Peter 2:21-27
·
Deceitfulness
2
Tim 3:13
·
Complaining
/ Gossip
Phil 2:14-15, 1
Tim 5:13
What can Negative attitudes
accomplish
·
Causes
division
. Gen 13:7 Lot and Abraham
separate due to quarrelling
·
Prevents
unity and intimacy in marital relationships .. 2 Sam 6 : Michal's sarcasm
Ψ
They
damage respect and this undermines love, when love fails many grow distant
Key Attitudes for good
communication from Ruth
·
Balance
of Grace and Truth
John 1:14 , Col
4:6, Prov 12:22 <do skit B>
·
An
attitude of Humility
.... Phil 2:3-8
, Book of Ruth <see appendix
E>
·
Respectfulness
. 1 Peter 2:17, 1 Peter 3: 7
·
Patience
and a quiet spirit
.
Prov 25:15
·
Valuing
the other person
.. Book of Ruth
What can these attitudes
accomplish ?
·
They
Heal
Prov 12:28 (disuss
David/Nabal/Abigail from 1 Sam 25:2)
·
They
Remove anxiety
.. Prov 12:25
·
They
Communicate truth like Christ did with love & grace
. Eph 4:15 & 4:32
Ψ
They
build respect and that allows love to grow creating closer more intimate Relationships
Appendix
D: Truth and Grace Skit
Scene 1
Dr: Welcome to our Counseling
Clinic. I'm Dr Judy. What are your names
Bob: My names Bob
Sue: and mine is Sue
Dr: So come in a sit down.
Dr: well, Whats seems to be the problem.
Bob: Well we just seem to be
fighting all the time and we just don't seem to love each other anymore
Dr: Hmmm. Well is their any one
thing you fight about most?
Sue: No, we just fight about
everything. Big things, little things, it does'nt seem to matter. We fight
about them all.
Dr: So give me an example:
Sue: Well I get so mad when he
just lays around watching TV and won't do anything fun. An then I even get
madder when he expects me to get him something to eat and drink.
Bob: Hey you know you like that
service stuff, I'm just giving you a chance to do it. An besides I think we
fight most because she never shuts up. She's always taking about some aspect of
somebody else's life that nobody cares
about.
Sue: You never want talk about
anything. You just like to watch football or car races and
(interupptred)
Bob: Well what do you expect -
you never do your hair nice and you have bad breath. What am I supposed to do -
get all chummy with bad breath!
Sue: And we never go out to
dinner (interupted again)
Bob: Well of course, dinner out
is expensive and you spend all our money on stupid junk.
Sue: Well, you are so lazy that
you dont even work enough to earn a
decent living for us. You need to grow up.
Bob: Well I just think
(interuppted)
Dr: Well I think I have the
picture
I think your problem is that you are both have absolutely no grace in
your relationship. You sure can share the truth but you do it in a very
injuring way. A way that says "I don't even respect or value you."
Its no wonder you can't feel any love. You have no respect for each other. Lets
continue this next week. That will be $100 for today. Just pay my receptionist
at the door.
Dr: (changing files) Wow. I'm
going to make a bundle on them, let see who is next.
* * *
Scene 2
Dr: Oh there they are now.
Welcome our Counseling Clinic. I'm Dr Judy. What are your names.
John: My names John
Sally: and mine is Sally
Dr: So come in a sit
down. Well, What seems to be the problem.
Sally: Well I don't think we
really have a problem, do we sweetheart.
John: No, of course not. I
wouldn't call it a problem.
Dr: Then why are you here?
Sally: Well we just wondered if
you could give us a little financial advice.
Dr: So you want a stock tip or
something - Hey this is counseling office not Kidder Peabody..
John: We know, its just that we
keep having to declare bankruptcy each year and thought maybe you could help us
find out why.
Dr: Bankruptcy every year? WOW!
Well Ok I'll try - sol let me ask a question.
John do you have a job?
John: Well no, Well sort of, I
mean I'm self employed.
Dr: Well what do you do?
John: Well I kind of work out of
my home.
Dr: Doing what?
John: Well right now I'm kind of
in between things.
Dr: Hmm. I think I get the
picture -- Sally do you work?
Sally: No
Dr: Well what do you think
about John?
Sally: Well I think John is a good
provider. He's just been down on his luck these last 10 years.
Dr: Hmmm - Well let me ask
another question. What do you spend lots of money on?
Sally: Well I buy the groceries, I
shop the mall and I like to buy new furniture at the antique stores. I also
like to eat out at restaurants.
Dr: Hmmmm. Well if John is not working
and you don't work, how do you pay for the things you buy?
Sally: We use credit cards. There
easy to get these days you know.
Dr: John, what do you think
about using the credit cards ?
John: Well it doesnt bother me -
she really doesnt spend too much
Dr: Well I think I have the picture
I think your problem is that
you are both have absolutely no truth your relationship. You are both quite
gracious to one another but neither of you is willing to share the truth with
each other about the others behavior and how it affects your life. Well thats
all for now: Lets make an appointment for next week. That will be $100 for
today.
* * *